Understanding and support, it's a two way street.

Time and time again I hear my fellow parents of special needs and preemie children bellow out that they want parents of children born at term or without special needs to understand what they are going through and support them. You cannot however ask this of them without doing the same in return.

I have seen many parents of spec needs children and preemie vent their frustrations because a parent is complaining that their child has a cold, or the flu, or complains because their child is keeping them up all night. I have seen them say "I wish I could complain about that, they don't know how lucky they are that they got to bring their baby home and get those sleepless nights" or "Can you believe how much she is over reacting? MY CHILD has it much worse and I don't act like that." I even had the unpleasant experience of witnesses an act of cruelty, and yes that is what it was, in the OR waiting room and this is how it went;

Parent A walks into the OR waiting room in tears while her husband rubs her shoulders and tells her everything will be ok and escorts her to a couch to sit while he signs them in.

Parent B sitting across from her moves beside her and gives her a hug and says "Everything will be ok, you just wait and see."

Parent A "Thank you, it's just so hard to say goodbye to them and hand them over to a stranger"

Parent B "What is your child in for, if you don't mind me asking"

Parent A "He's having his tonsils taken out"

Parent B with a look f disgust "You're crying over tonsils? You know there are kids in here undergoing much worse, there are kids having tumors removed, kids up on the 8th floor fighting cancer, and kids undergoing open heart surgery and you're crying over tonsils? You should be ashamed of yourself and be thankful it's not something much worse, something that could kill your child!"

Parent C (my friend) and Parent D (myself) overhear this and rush over to reassure parent A that what she is feeling is perfectly normal and to cry all she wants because no matter the procedure it's a big deal.

Parent B proceeds to ask me why my child is in, he was undergoing a urethral dilation which is a simple procedure and I too am scoffed at. My friend pipes up her son was undergoing another open heart surgery, his 4th in three years, one that will hopefully buy him some time while he waits for a new heart. Her son had been waiting for 8 months already, he was in what they called the "weight trap" which meant not many hearts became available that would be suitable for him. Their only hope was to cross their fingers and wait for a heart, wait for another child to die, a family in their time of grief to give the gift of life. She told this lady how every parent has the right to cry for their child, even if it's over a hangnail, because she envies them, she wishes that was her that she could say she was crying over a simply procedure and that when it was over and her son had recovered she could bring him home.

You can not expect others to understand what you are going through or support you if you are putting them down because their child is not as sick or as premature as yours. If you expect understanding and support you have got to be willing to set aside your feelings and provide understand and support to those who have it "better".

Yes little Jimmy's sniffles and sleepless nights might have you envying his parents because when your child is ill it's hospital stays and praying that they make it through the night, but sniffles and sleepless nights is all they know, they do not know the horrors of the ICU or watching a child struggle for every breath. For them that illness is as huge as what your child's illness are to you, thought their circumstances may not be as bad as yours it doesn't mean they don't need to vent, or need a shoulder to cry on. Let them, give the the strength you have, give them the reassurance, support, and understanding you want when your child is struggling because once you've torn down that wall that divides you they are more likely to give you the support and understanding you need when you need it most.

If you find they are comparing their "health" child to your premature or special needs child and you think they shouldn't, remember they don't know any better, they know exactly what you knew before you entered this chapter of your life, NOTHING. Educate them, remind them how your child is different, and forgive them when they forget and do it all over again. You have the constant reminder day in and day out what it's like to have a preemie or spec needs child, they do not, they still live in their little bubble and don't pop it for them. Remember there is always someone out there who has it worse than you, you would not like it if someone threw it in your face constantly because you shouldn't complain, no matter how sick your child is, because someone else has it worse.

At least you have therapy, there are parents in other countries that have no access to this.

At least you have a surgeon who can try to fix your child, some aren't as luck.

At least your child made it, because some parents are burying their child today.

Don't feel guilty because you have it better than another, but do not shame and berate parents who have it better than you. Break down the wall that divides us, let us all get a better understand of what others are going through, and let's give them the love and support they need in their time of need even if they do not show us the same in return. They are virgins, we are not, let's teach them and let them teach us, let us both get a better understanding of the worlds we live in and maybe some day we wont have to cry out in frustration that we need understanding and support in our world because they will become one and we will all be able to lean on each other in any situation.